So even though I was supposed to be focusing on the words on the page, I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering to the fact that 2011 is thisclose to being over. And suddenly,my imagination began creating one of those cheesy year-in-review montages that we’re all going to see a lot of this week, except that mine only contained the really important stuff– the stuff that happened to ME. A year ago, I wanted this year to be full of adventure and discovery, and it exceeded my expectations. Here are some of the highlights:

*Being caught in a blizzard in Boston while sharing drinks and laughs with Teri.

*Celebrating Amber’s birthday in style in Beverly Hills. We all looked amazing and had a blast. It was the best cure for a broken heart that weekend.

*Celebrating MY 30th birthday at The Bruery. It was low-key, and the night was filled with wonderful people. So what if my favorite jeans ended up with puke on them?

*Being hired as the Writing Center supervisor along with Beth. It is a job I have always wanted, and I couldn’t have asked for a better dream team. No wait, I did. And it worked out that way, and we’re awesome.

*Getting lost in Brooklyn while looking for Brooklyn Brewery with my mother. It was 100 degrees and humid, and we were yelled at by a schizophrenic woman while trying to cross the street. Then, the brewery was closed. But we did finally get a beer and it was one of the best I ever tasted.

*Buying the Mini Cooper that I have always wanted. Every time I get into my car, I smile. It is the perfect car for me.

*Picnic and Croquet day with girlfriends.

*Going to Big Sur and exploring the unknown by myself. Literally venturing off the beaten path to discover a hidden beach with purple sand.

*Camping in Mammoth for the beer festival. The festival may not have been the best, but the people were (as usual).

*Meeting Cliff. Probably the best surprise and most fun adventure of the year.

*Lounging in the cabana at the Hard Rock in Vegas.

*Partying in the ridiculously awesome Lucky 7 suite. When you’re in Vegas and security knocks on the door at 4am, you know your party is legit.

*Winning cash money from the Oregon lottery slot machines while ignoring the naked women behind us at a nudey bar in Portland.

*Running around the Saturday market in Portland, looking for a legit homeless person (and not a hipster) to give a donut to.

*Driving up the coast with my family, having a wonderful dinner at Nepenthe in Big Sur, and hearing my grandfather recount the general debauchery he partook in with college buddies at that same place.

*Spending Thanksgiving with Erin and the folks at Food on Foot, and remembering what really matters.

*Wandering around Shoreline Village with Cliff on a beautiful night, where the pier and docks were almost empty and everything was lit up for Christmas. One of these nights, I am jumping in the fountain outside of the performing arts center.

*Watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas Special with my cousins on Christmas.

I really have been blessed this year; blessed by having so many great people in my life, and blessed by having so many opportunities. But the real blessing this year came from the perspective that I went into this year with. After feeling down about things for a couple of years and feeling like I was always waiting for something awesome to happen or someone awesome to make me happy, I decided to stop waiting and to make things happen. I found that if I just start heading in the direction I want to go in, I will figure out how to make it work along the way. I realized that I am the only person that can really make myself happy. Once I really learned that, I met someone who is almost as good at making me happy as I am. I took a lot more risks, and learned that being less guarded, whether it by by sharing this blog or by rushing down a steep hill on a mountain bike, always has some payoff in the end. Sure you risk getting hurt; in fact, you will get hurt. But that pain always provides and opportunity to grow in some way that you never would have had you not just taken the risk.

So with that, I am looking forward to an even more exhilarating 2012. There are already some big adventures on the horizon, and I look forward to those unforeseen adventures that are sure to come up as well.

XOXO,
Rachel

For instance, nervousness hangs out in my fingers. This one is the most obvious to me, and if you don’t believe, watch me closely the next time you know I am in a situation where I am nervous. My fingers get really tense. Or I gesticulate more wildly than normal, not with my whole arms, but mostly with my hands. It’s during these times that it’s unfortunate that I have such long fingers, because I feel it makes this nervous tick all the more obvious. Sometimes I can hide my nervousness in almost every other aspect, but if you look at my fingers, they won’t shake, but they will be unnaturally stiff.

My hamstrings and lower back are not as flexible as I would like them to be. Even when I practice yoga regularly and find the rest of my body bending and twisting past my expectations, my hamstrings will refuse to budge much further. This is where I hang onto past experiences that have made me sad and or lonely. It’s fitting that these muscles are on the back side of me, and it’s the things that are now behind me that I can’t quite let go of. They don’t cause me much physical pain, but they sometimes keep me from growing and stretching as far as I want to. At the same time, those hamstrings and my lower back propel me when running; they keep me upright and balanced. Occasionally my lower back will ache, and the aches are a reminder that loneliness is a dull pain that arises every so often no matter what I do.

But the most stubborn emotion, the one that hides in pockets that are buried deep is resentment. Resentment hides out beneath my shoulder blades. Sometimes it causes me to tense up, and sometimes leads to some serious soreness and stiffness. Sometimes it even creeps up into my neck and occasionally my jaw. But most of the time, it hides under my shoulder blades. I get a monthly massage, and sometimes when I go I won’t be feeling any tension when I go in, and even those times the therapist will find some deep, persistent, stubborn knots there. Even when I am not consciously thinking about it, resentment seems to be there.

Resentment isn’t all that different from anger, really. I decided to look up the word, and I found this interesting tidbit from Wikipedia:
“Robert C. Solomon, a professor of continental philosophy at the University of Texas at Austin, places resentment on the same line-continuum with contempt and anger. According to him, the differences between the three emotions are as follows: resentment is directed towards higher-status individuals, anger is directed towards equal-status individuals and contempt is directed towards lower-status individuals.”

Contempt, then, seems much more easy to shrug off. Anger is more difficult, but the fact that resentment is directed at someone in a higher status is what makes it so hard to let go of. Because that business of higher status is something that is only perceived by the person feeling resentment. Status really is arbitrary, and it is especially so when it is the factor that pushes anger to something even darker and heavier. To feel that the person who wronged you is somehow higher than you inherently means you are establishing yourself in a subordinate position. So that resentment comes from a perceived inability to meet that person on a level plane and express that good, healthy anger that he or she deserves. So then that deep, persistent anger at someone else really is deep, persistent anger with yourself, which is why it is so hard to stop resenting someone (or something)– doing so means accepting the frustration- anger-sadness-helplessness-humiliation of the wrong that occurred along with the mechanisms that lead you to perceive that wrong doer is in a higher position. In other words, resentment towards another is probably just as much resentment towards a part of yourself.

Which is why I guess resentment hides deep in my back where I can’t reach it. It’s there and I know it’s there and it knows that I know it’s there and it knows that I know why it’s there. And I figure that sooner or later, it’s going to have to find a new place altogether to hide out, perhaps a place that is more accessible where I can discard it just as easily as I throw off nervousness by wringing out my hands.

Don’t worry Massage Envy; I’ll still come in for my monthly massage.

Lately, any of those times that I am pretending to pay attention to what is going on, and perhaps have a glazed over expression, one of the following things is most likely on my mind:

1. Football! I don’t even know where to begin with the Free Agency madness. As a Jets fan, I am conflicted about Plaxico Burress. I had him on my fantasy team in ’08, and after he shot himself, everything went wrong with my team. It broke my heart. I don’t trust Plaxico. Then again, what if he has an awesome post-prison comeback a la Michael Vick? Also, I can’t stand the Patriots, and I am so curious about what this Brady-Ochocinco pairing could be like.

2. Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie.

It’s one of those books that I can’t believe I made it through grad school having not read. I’m only about half way through it, but it is really, really good so far. I want to finish it up before the semester starts next week, but I am not seeing much free time in the upcoming week.

3. Weeds. Much of July was spent watching the seasons on Netflix. I can’t get enough of it. One of my favorite moments occurs in season 3 when Nancy gets a tattoo of a U-Turn sign to remind her what U-Turn, the gangster who died, said to her: “Thug means NEVER apologizing.” When she explains what the tattoo (and thus this more specific definition of thug)to the tattoo artist, he responds, “Huh. Never apologizing. I thought that was supposed to be love.”
Nancy replies, “No, love means always saying you’re sorry.”
Truth.

4. You knew there were going to be shoes.

Love.
Love.
Love.

5. Watch the Throne . I’ve listened to this album a few times this week, and each time I listen, I like it more and more. I’ve been reading several reviews of it, and while I agree that it could be a little more cohesive, I still really like it. It’s much more introspective than I thought it would be, and overall, it’s just some great music. Hate either or both of them all you want, but you cannot deny that Kanye and Jay-Z both have musical genius.

6. “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut,” said Ernest Hemingway. I think that is some sound advice. So in the spirit of that, I finally did what I’ve said for a long time I should do, which is register for online classes to get a real estate broker’s license.I feel it is time I put my money where my mouth is. I am especially driven to do this since a certain person who is a complete tool doubted my ability to do so. I don’t even know what I would do with this license, but having it would just mean a lot of personal satisfaction, an epic moment of “How do you like me now, sucka!”

7. Animals at the top of the food chain. Sharks and bears in particular. The shark obsession is overflow from Shark Week a couple of weeks ago. How amazing are sharks– they eat sushi for every meal, and they test things by biting. Why don’t I get to decide what I want to eat by biting it first and then making up my mind?! Bears because, well, I’ve always loved bears. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to see any last weekend in Mammoth. Bears live the life– fishing, hiking, playing,climbing trees,stealing food from dumb humans, hibernating. And they get to have an awesome roar!

8. Running. This week, for the first time in a long time, running finally felt good again. That runner’s high kicked in, and I can now remember why I used to love running. I’m a little worried that once this semester begins I won’t be able to run as frequently as I’d like to, and I am determined to make running a priority. When I get into a good consistent routine of it, I feel so much more energized. Oh, and the part about eating what I want without feeling as guilty is an added bonus.

9. Messing with OCD people by ending a list at #9.

I’ve always enjoyed volunteering for good causes and helping people when I can, and my friend Erin discovered this organization and signed us up for today’s serving. I didn’t know what I was getting in to, but I am so glad that I participated and I am so impressed with how this organization works that I am going to become a member.

So here’s the gist: every Sunday, volunteers show up and give a meal to homeless or very poor people in Hollywood. But it isn’t your normal soup kitchen or food bank. For one, as a volunteer, you have to pay to volunteer. That first detail struck me as kind of cool because in that sense, it isn’t just about me and how awesome I am for volunteering my precious time and look at me for showing up and putting on an apron… nope. It’s not about you, it’s about the cause and helping people out. It’s also completely supported by private donations; they don’t receive any government funding.
The next and even more awesome detail about it is that it isn’t just a free handout to homeless people. It works on the principle of that old adage of you can give a man a fish or teach a man to fish… in that they run a program where the down-on-their-luck folks work for the food by collecting trash and bringing it in. As the founder said to everyone, “If you want people to feel sorry for you, go to the church down the street. Here we don’t judge you on anything, whether race, if you’re gay, straight, bi, tri, your past, how many people you may have murdered, if you may have just come from prison… we don’t care about that. All we judge you on here is how hard you work. Don’t tell us about how great or deserving you are, show us.”

And the people in the program show how great they are by working each week for the food and clothes, referring people to the program, and describing one random act of kindness they did that week. Hearing those random acts was one of my favorite parts of the day: one person stopped someone who had dropped something from her stroller, one person told a stranger to move his car to avoid a ticket, one returned a wallet he found, one person gave some of his clothes to another person in a shelter, and so on. I love that that random acts of kindness are such an important part of the program since it helps boost their confidence AND it puts more positivity into the world. They also give out weekly prizes in the form of restaurant or grocery gift cards, bus tokens, and hotel stays for those who work the hardest during that week. During this awards ceremony, there was this beautiful camaraderie among the program participants, where they all cheered each other on, and just before the top winner was announced, several of the participants were excitedly pointing at one man and saying, “oh it’s so Ed. I know it, it’s Ed!” One man won bus tokens as a prize and politely turned down the prize, saying, “Thanks sir, but I won the monthly pass last time.” The program is all about building confidence and work ethic so that they can eventually move on, after 10 consecutive weeks, to the “gray shirt” level.

The gray shirt level involves job placement for program participants. Not only job placement, but support: bus passes, a pre-paid phone, and such. Food on Foot takes these members’ first several pay checks and puts them into savings and checking accounts for them, and then helps them get into an apartment with the money they earned and saved. These graduates come to the Sunday servings, tell their stories, and help serve food. On the site I linked earlier, you can read many of their stories. At this point, they have reached the goal, which is as the founder said several times, to be “A tax payer instead of a tax burden.” Yeah, he said that to them. That’s the no bullshit approach that I love about this organization. And it works. Again, look at the site to see the success rate; it’s incredible.

If anyone wants to become a member and drive in to LA with me and Erin on a Sunday, hit me up! It really is an incredible experience!

Well, a lot of things, obviously. But one trait of mine, for better or for worse, is that I am an obsessive type of person. I will find something that I like or find interesting and then think about it, research it, try it on for size, tell everyone about it, go to extremes to get it or find more about it, indulge in it daily, wear it out, and possibly even become sick of it within a week. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I began missing my ex-boyfriend’s mother’s Arabic food, so I visited my favorite Lebanese restaurant 2 or 3 times in one week. And I still wasn’t getting enough Zaatar, this spice blend that I was craving. So I drove down to Little Arabia in Anaheim and bought, like, a year’s supply of the spice blend. I ate it for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a couple of days. Then I had my fill of it and moved on to something else. But before I moved on, I had to research it, learn about different ways it is used in Arabic cuisine, try to understand regional differences in the spice blend… Yeah. See? Obsessive. I’m not saying it’s a great, but it’s what I do and I am owning it.

So I am going to be owning my randomness and sharing my obsessions for a while, be they shoes (I can almost guarantee there will be a weekly shoe obsession.) music, an idea, something that irritates me, my favorite meal of the day, a quote, whatever.
Maybe this is my way of pretending that I am Oprah and announcing my “FAVORITE THINGS!” Though I doubt I will bring anyone to tears with my favorite things. (Though you never know…)

So here are some things I am obsessing about this week:

1. I just got home today from several days in New York, which is one of my favorite cities. I love the high energy. I love visiting landmarks, and one in particular: Tiffany’s. Yes, Tiffany’s counts as a landmark. I bought this bracelet:
(Sorry the pic is a little blurry.) Now, I think that this charm bracelet is precious, and it looks great on. Do I need a bracelet? No. I have A LOT of bracelets. If I lived in Northern California, I’d say my bracelet collection is hella big. But alas, I was in Tiffany’s and wanted to buy something, so I figured a bracelet would be good. It’s all customized– the charms are a key, a lock with an “R,” and a shamrock pendant. As I was purchasing it, the salesgirl and I got into a conversation about Real Housewives and I didn’t even pay attention to the grand total. When I looked at my receipt later, I realized that the bracelet cost almost a month’s rent. D’oh! I hate charging things to a credit card. Every time I look at it, I first smile at how pretty it is, the grimace at how much it cost me. I try to justify to myself that it is worth it, I deserve it, and that if each time it makes me smile is worth $1… yeah, I will be wearing this bracelet for a long, long time.

2. For most of the flight home, I listened to Adele on repeat. Time well spent. It took a lot to keep me from singing along at the top of my lungs. “Chasing Pavements” is currently stuck in my head, and it is lovely.

3. The word “lovely.” I use it often, and perhaps not often enough.

4. These shoes. I told you there would be shoes.
I haven’t worn them yet, and I need to build an outfit around them. They are a blush hue; my purple bedspread makes it a little hard to tell.

5. Getting a mountain bike. I really want to get in to trail riding, like, yesterday. Once I get the bike, that will be my new obsession. My current obsession is more about how do I get said bike from REI to here, and how do I keep from embarrassing myself in REI? The people there are always really nice, in fact, they are usually really cool. So cool that I too want to look cool, and when I want to look cool, I never do.

6. “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” –Christopher Robin to Pooh. Yeah I just quoted from Winnie the Pooh. So what. Words of wisdom people, words of wisdom.

7. If I am really going to write about what I am obsessing about, then I have to mention the guy that I have been flirting with through texts for far too long now. He knows I am interested in him; I said so very bluntly (remember what I said about what happens when I want to be cool?). He is flirtatious back, and yet, we are not dating. So yes, I obsess about what the hell is going on there, especially because every time I throw up my hands and say to myself, “That’s it! I am moving on!” he says the right thing at the right time to make me think something could come of this.

8. Sleep. I need it. Bad. I am even considering getting a sleep mask such as this, to see if that helps (or at least makes me feel glamorous while sleeping). I don’t do well without adequate sleep. I don’t just become irritable, I become a total misanthrope. Then I just get emotional and want to cry over everything. So sleep has definitely been something I have been obsessed with this week.

9. Ulysses. Wednesday is Bloom’s Day, and I want to get through as much of Ulysses as possible by then. I am only on the 6th episode, Hades. If you didn’t already know, I love the novel. I wrote my MA thesis on the last episode (Penelope). And it becomes more and more rewarding each time you read it.

That is this week. Since I’ve taken over two classes for another instructor, I have been non-stop busy and filled with anxiety about completing everything that I need to and staying organized and ahead of schedule. That’s all starting to slip, so much so that last week I goofed majorly and wrote down the wrong day for two of my classes to have a library orientation. Whoops!

It’s even starting to take me longer to complete the work that I start out to do, because I haven’t been sleeping as well, which in turn makes it harder for me to concentrate during the day, which then makes grading papers take much longer than usual, and leaves me constantly trying to catch up. Sigh.

So yesterday on one of those long days where I struggled to stay awake and read papers, I took a break to walk down to the arboretum. It’s a beautiful place that is incredibly peaceful. I found a spot near one of the ponds where some ducks were napping on the grass, and decided to sit down there. Then some of the ducks woke up, and look who waddled over to say hello…

On the way back to my office, I also noticed more rabbits hopping around than usual. You’d think it was about to be Easter or something.

Seeing baby animals reminded me of this video that makes me grin every time. It’s a ticklish baby penguin!!!!

I think my favorite part is the penguin’s squeal. Mostly because I am also extremely ticklish and have been known to make a squeal not all that different from the penguin’s. HAHA!

If it wasn’t for baby animals, this week would be so much more difficult to get through…

So last week I came across a set of cuff bracelets. I wasn’t sure they were for me, but here they are:

But. There is something more awesome about them.

…

Wait for it.

Wait for it…

Awwww snap!

They’re slap bracelets! Yes, like what I rocked back in 1991!

By the way, I hadn’t thought about how hard it would be to take a picture of myself slapping a bracelet on my wrist. I had to use the web cam on my laptop and use my toe to click the mouse and take a picture. I call that ingenuity.

So this weekend marked an extraordinary lunar event. A Super Moon. How awesome is that, that is is called a Super Moon?! This was supposed to be a full moon that is the closest it has been to the Earth in 18 years.

So shortly after sunset, I headed to the park that is atop the hill where Bastanchury and State College intersect in Fullerton. I was pleased to see a group of people had also gathered there to see it.
Unfortunately for all of us, it was a cloudy night, and so we only had about a 2 minute glimpse of the ginormous orange ball before clouds covered it from sight. Bummer!

Fortunately, other parts of the world had better views, and a friend showed me this picture, over the Parthenon in Greece:

Amazing!

That picture reminds me of one of my all time favorite pieces of music, Clair De Lune by Debussy. I just learned that it is part of a four part suite (thank you again, Wikipedia), and this movement is probably the most recognizable. I think many of you will have heard it before:

The music was inspired by a poem of the same name by Verlaine. I am pretty certain that I once had to recite that poem in a French class. No one should ever have to hear me try to recite a poem in French.

I think that it is one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever. Granted, I don’t know as much as I’d like to about classical music, but this movement makes me feel simultaneously peaceful and imaginative, almost in a child-like way. I suppose that it might be slightly clichéd since it’s translation is “Moonlight,” but I like to listen to it before I go to sleep. My sleep has been plagued by too many bad dreams lately, and so each night before I sleep, I listen to the music, often more than once, to relax and let any negative thoughts fade away before sleep.
I suppose you’re never too old for a lullaby…

So I have it stuck in my head tonight, and I find it kind of fitting.

It’s not that I would categorize past days as “the dog days” per se, but a relationship that dragged on far longer than it should have just ended. Part of me is incredibly sad, and I definitely don’t think of time spent with that person negatively. But I do feel optimistic in knowing that the future will be an improvement.

I do know now that for too long I tricked myself into believing someone could make me happy when he couldn’t. And that’s where the “dog days” part comes in; I spent a lot of time kidding myself into think that things were ideal, that the future would be better, that he would make changes.

It seems like the cliche “be true to yourself” would apply here, but I don’t know that anyone ever really knows what that means. In fact, sometimes I think that making mistakes and letting yourself learn lessons the hard way is what it means to be true to yourself. The truth part comes in when you take an honest look at the situation and realize that it didn’t go the way that you wanted, but that is okay. Accept what went wrong and forgive yourself for your mistakes. It’s really hard for people to forgive themselves. I think it is much easier to forgive someone else, but if we can grant that generosity and love to ourselves, then maybe it opens us up give more and to love more.

And it’s that thought that gives me so much peace, and makes me want to dance cheerfully.

I really, really love Pho. It’s got all of the key components: Beef, noodles, thai basil, cilantro, onions, jalapenos, lime (sometimes lemon) and chili paste. The first time I tried it, I was in awe; it was as if someone put my favorite flavors from various cuisines all into one steaming bowl of goodness.

One thing everyone needs to know is that I am an eater. I wish I could be one of those girls with the bird-like appetites, but I am not. When I am hungry and I set out to eat, I am going to really chow down. I eat more than many men that I know. When I used to run regularly, part of my motivation in running was just so that I could work up an appetite to eat even more. I try to reign in my appetite more these days since I am getting older and I am not as active as I used to be, but just know that when I eat, I mean business.

So back to Pho and it being one of my favorite things. Just the other evening I met someone who was visiting Orange County from New York, and he wanted to know what good food he should try. Now, there are a few decent restaurants in Fullerton, but if a New Yorker wants something that he couldn’t get out there, it’s Pho all the way.

One of the great things about it is that Pho is really hard to mess up. To me, as long as the broth is hot and just a little beefy and aromatic, and you give me plenty of the fixin’s, it’s then all on me to mix and balance the ingredients to my liking. Because of this, I often don’t understand why people on Yelp give low scores to Pho places– usually the low scores are about the service or the Spring Rolls, but when I go, I don’t care if the person is rude or doesn’t speak English or what the Spring Rolls are like; I will point to the number with the bowl of rare steak and then happily slurp it up.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered a place with bad Pho. I didn’t think it was possible. I used to love the place; they were unique and added the slightest hint of lemongrass to the broth which made it extra- excellent. But then they changed owners, and converted to a half Pho/ half Korean BBQ place. I love Korean BBQ, but to me that’s a different restaurant altogether. When I got my bowl, the broth was kind of oily and a bit salty. They didn’t have thai basil at all, and tried to make up for it with cilantro. Noo! I like cilantro, but there is a delicate balance. They had no limes either; I’m normally okay with substituting lemons, but this added to the disappointment. And worst of all, they only gave three scrawny slices of steak. I rarely frown at my food, but that night, I was frowning.

Like I said, it’s hard to mess up Pho, but when a person does, it is SO disappointing!

A much better place is Pho 88 on Lemon and Orangethorpe. There’s also a really nice one in Brea on Imperial by the Home Depot. I also hear that a new one on the South East corner of Chapman and State College, next to the 99 cent store, is good, but I have never tried it. I just might swing by there later this week to get my Pho fix.